Love, is a language spoken differently by each of us and it is important to either speak the same language as our significant other, or to understand and recognise when they are speaking theirs. Love languages describe the way in which we feel loved and appreciated which can vary from each person. Better communication is achieved between couples who are able to speak the language their recipient understands.
Gary Chapman, in his book, managed to narrow them down to Five Love Languages:
1.) Words of Affirmation
2.) Acts of Service
3.) Receiving Gifts
4.) Quality Time
5.) Physical Touch
Usually, you can discover a person’s love language by observing how they express love towards you/others, as it is common for us to convey our feelings in the way in which we would like to receive it. This isn’t always the case though, and it is possible for us to express feelings differently to how we would like it back. Also, it isn’t just one language; firstly, we have a Primary and Secondary Love Language, but some people have more, which can alter and vary dependent upon people and circumstances. To feel 100% happy and loved, someone may require a smaller percentage of each expression – for example, a person’s love language may be made up of:
Words of Affirmation 33%/ Acts of Service 5%/ Receiving Gifts 10%/ Quality Time15%/ Physical Touch 37%
Someone with this make-up will feel most secure when she is being showered with loving words and affection. It may not be as clear to her when someone is expressing their feelings via Acts of Service; by cooking her dinner or fetching a prescription for her. Similarly, she may not be understood by her partner who’s Love Language is Receiving Gifts, when she demonstrates her feelings through words. A harmonious relationship can occur when you either adapt to your partner’s LL and show them in a way in which they understand, or when you can recognise them showing theirs.
Words of Affirmation:
If someone speaks this language, words and vocalising emotions are important to them, and without it, they will doubt how their S|O feels about them. They need to be directly told with clarity and sureness. Someone with this LL may struggle to notice any other forms of expression. If your partner offers you Words of Affirmation, it is telling of how they need to reassured back and small comments will mean more to them than to someone with a different leaning. Scorpios, Pisces and Aries placements often speak this LL.
Acts of Service:
Another way in which someone may communicate their feelings is through Acts of Service. This could vary from things such as, washing up for you, making you dinner, cleaning your car, mowing the lawn, doing the washing for you – anything to help you out and serve you in some way. This language is more of a ‘actions speak louder than words’ approach, whereby they want to do things for you and show you that they care as opposed to be told. If this is your LL I guarantee you are either a Virgo Sun/Moon/Mercury. If this is your partners love language, then doing things for them is the best way to make them feel loved and appreciated.
Some people might find they feel most loved through the Receiving of Gifts. Although seemingly materialist, it is more to do with the thoughtfulness behind the gift; the fact that their partner has thought about them, thought they might like something and then picked it up and bought it for them is what makes them feel most secure and appreciated. It doesn’t necessarily have to be something big or expensive. This LL is different to Acts of Service in the sense Receiving Gifts is the thoughtful aspect while Acts of Service is to make the life of their partner easier by helping them and taking a load off their plate. Cancers and Leos Sun/Moon/Mercury often have this LL.
This Love Language is the most common amongst both men and women. Quality Time is an expression of love received through having your partner’s complete and undivided attention; time, a portion of their life they can’t have back, with you, is what makes them feel most loved, safe and assured. What you do in the time isn’t what is important, but the fact it has been made is enough. People with this language would be extremely hurt by cancelling of dates or lack of time/effort given to them. If your partner wants to see you and always prioritises time to see you, this is most likely what they want to receive back. Lack of interest and effort is what makes them feel unloved. Aries, Scorpio, Pisces, Cancer and Leo placements often speak this language.
People with this Love Language feel most loved through physical contact and most likely express their feelings through touch and affection. If someone with this language lacks physical touch, they will feel completely unloved and no number of gifts or words could change that. They aren’t necessarily over the top with public displays of affection, but they feel most safe and cared for when you’re holding their hand, have your arm around them or your hand resting on them – any form of contact is what they need. This is often a trait of Aries/Scorpios/Leos/Aquarius/Cancer.
Understanding expressions through languages you don’t necessarily speak is important to a communicative relationship and the best way to uncover your partner’s Love Language is by observing how they express theirs, and then offering the same back. My Love Languages are Words of Affirmation, Physical Touch and Quality Time. This means, I find it easy to express the way I feel through words and assurance. My girlfriend, however, doesn’t particularly need Words of Affirmation in the way I do, and she tends to show her sentiment through gifts and Acts of Service. We both share the Love Language Physical Touch, where feelings are symbolised through constant touching and affection.
Your partner’s Love languages can also change over time or during certain circumstances. If, for example, someone is going through a particularly stressful time where they have a lot on their plate and too much to do alone, the way they need to receive love may switch from Words of Affirmation to Acts of Service where they need to see actions over words. Someone who has recently developed an insecurity or a knock to their confidence, may switch from wanting gifts and Acts of Service to needing Physical Touch and Words of Affirmation. It’s important to gauge when your partner needs to be loved differently and it’s important to learn, discover and understand the language it is your partner speaks in order to be attentive to their emotional needs. If you feel that in your relationship your emotional needs aren’t being met, the odds are, your partners aren’t either. The lack of understanding of the languages is often the cause for a breakdown in communication which breeds feelings of being unloved, or unappreciated – once this is mastered, it is more likely to restore balance and harmony in your relationship.